Several, actually.

In reality, we know that life is made of Ups and Downs. Random spikes of Bliss, and mostly Pain.

But they’re supposed to be constant, balanced. What if your random spikes of bliss are … temporary? How do you deal with that? Do you know what I mean? You would, if you were running on borrowed time. Like me.

People don’t realise that not everyone has their shit together. Not everyone knows what they’re doing, or have any idea what to do. And then there’s the scary thought that you’ve stayed in a very comfortable place your whole life – not that there’s anything wrong with that, but what if you know you’re built for something more, or maybe something less – but can’t have the courage to take a step back, look at the bigger picture and take a risk?

The What Ifs of life could be such killers. The next scariest part is the regret of doing it, and not doing it. You have to weigh which one’s more worth the gamble. They say its part of life. And I say that is such bullshit.

We were not even given a choice to want to be born on Earth, and for some of us – going through day to day life is already such a challenge. GETTING OUT OF BED requires me a good ten minutes of self-motivating and a few pages of inner monologue just to give me that push. It’s come to a point where I don’t even know how I manage. I feel like I’ve been running on auto-pilot for awhile now. And I am only brought back to life during the temporary, borrowed time, (resulting to) spikes of bliss.

Life isn’t like that, isn’t it? It can’t be. This can’t be what everything’s all about. I don’t understand.

What do I do with myself now? I can’t help but ask this to the Universe, for the very first time, with much haste and anger : What will you do with me, 2016?

I have never been this lost.

I don’t know how many more deep breaths I’m going to have to make before I figure it all out. Or maybe, before you show me. Or help me. Or something. I don’t know. I’m trying really hard but it feels like I’m just hanging off a cliff and there are no ledges or cracks, nothing to help me hold on.

I am really, very tired.

I don’t want you to teach me to be heartless, 2016. My heart is my most treasured possession and I am so glad that I am able to feel all these things, especially the beautiful things. When I feel a heart beating against mine, bare skinned, I take it all in. I take in all the sweat resulting to being wrapped around each other like blankets.  I take in the same patterned breathing, the chin scruff rubbing against my forehead. I take in the vision of eyes waking up from deep slumber. I take in feeling a smile turning up against a cheek resting heavily against mine. I TAKE IN ALL OF THIS. And I wouldn’t want to trade it for anything. The feeling of being alive, at that very moment. Savouring every imperfection, every saltwater bead, every turn.

But I wish it did not have to hurt this much.  Why does it always have to hurt so much? I get it, it’s there to teach us something, maybe the true value of life or whatever.

There are times when I cry out of feeling so much happiness, so much that it makes me sad that it is not something that I can attain for the rest of my days on earth. Because I get a sense that I am not meant for it. I almost always want the impossible.

I am SO grateful for the windows you have allowed me to crawl in, to temporarily feel this way. But at the same time I just wish it didn’t have to be like this.

I am told we can’t have it all. And the selfish part of me often asks WHY NOT. I DO WANT IT ALL. Why does it have to be this way.

My heart is aching again.

Picked up Brave Enough by Cheryl Strayed last night and I find myself crying reading this over and over.IMG_1806

 What do you do when you know you’re just not cut out for life?

Or to live.