Is this thing on?
Alright, here we go.
I have a love-hate relationship with my impulsiveness. It’s what brought me to 3:36 AM, the wee hours of August 31, 2018 … typing this entry. I have been putting off doing the whole blog overhaul, finally gave in about a year later, lost most of my photos, all my pages, comments (it’s obviously taken me more than a year to finish this page as it is now 2020, lelelel).
No regrets, I guess (although I did love how I composed my previous ABOUT ME page), I guess it’s time to turn over a new leaf. A lot has changed since then.
Like, I used to think I hated the cold, but when I flew to the U.K. for the first time in December 2017, I fell absolutely in love with it, especially seeing my first snow (at 31 years old!), I was so dumbfounded I couldn’t even cry (I mean, I grew up in the Tropics FFS, so it was beautiful to see), But I sat in my Aunt’s bed listening to Sufjan Stevens’ Mystery of Love and it was one of those quiet moments I felt most alive. It was at past 7 in the morning. Goes to show that there are things we’ll constantly learn about ourselves, and it’s been one of my motivations to keep going. My journey to self-discovery and self-love is like a sine wave, which I’d rather have … over a flat line. Nothing like embracing the things that make you imperfect.
I’ve been living by myself with my not-so-baby catto, Gringgo, since 2016 in the U.A.E., and for someone with Depression (and gets the occasional Anxiety Attack), it hasn’t been the easiest, but it’s been empowering.
I’m angry about a lot of things. They get to me so much, like, the News (don’t you dare roll your eyes at me). Reading and watching the news not only frustrates me, it’s also another source of depression. I constantly find myself wondering what could physically be done to make the world better, then again I lose the drive knowing that it’s going to be useless. I could hold rallies (any determined person can make it happen), but what would that do? There are thousands of people who choose to stay blind and ignorant, and honestly, the state of my mental and emotional health could not handle the stupidity, especially when people arrogantly decide to be.
I’m into Astrology so much this year, more than I previously was, and I know, some of you might think it’s silly, but it actually got me through some of the toughest days of my life. Is that weird? You know what, I don’t care.
I’m still in the process of getting to know myself better. I thought I did, but I was only scratching the surface. I’d say … 2019 was a catalyst for this, a beautiful one at that. At the same time, nothing is scarier than actually staring at yourself in the face. Once during the earlier stages of me “going within”, I was breaking down one late afternoon and I looked at myself in the mirror and said, “I’m sorry Abbie, but we’re going to have to do this, okay?”, not realizing that “this” meant a whole lot of unpacking of past crap I, along with everyone else — put myself through. I tried to understand why I would behave a certain way, think a certain way, why I had a knee-jerk reaction to certain situations, why I would self-sabotage a lot, and most importantly : what triggered my Depression (which I am proud to say, I am handling much better these days).
I participated in a Self-Love workshop recently and it made us write a paragraph on “WHO AM I”, and naturally, I started it with “I am love”, because that’s just who I am. Pretty darn proud of that.
At the time I’m writing this bit (June 2020), I have just come out of 9-year marriage (so yes, currently Separated, in the process of saving up on getting our Annulment filed), with my now Best Friend, Drew. I guess I’m lucky to say that we’ve come to a very mutual agreement that it’s what’s best for us. There are honestly no hard feelings, he and I are in a good place (so good, he even talks about his dating life with me).
I’ve also been living on my own for a good 3 something years, miles away from immediate family. I admit it has not been easy. I am terrible at handling my finances (which I am aiming to change), I still struggle on some days to take care of myself (I’m speaking health-wise, because I’m such a lazy cook), but whenever I look back from where I stand, I can’t help but feel so fucking proud of myself. I am here, and I am doing my best, on my own standards, not anyone else’s. Society sometimes makes me question where I am in life but it’s unnecessary noise. I am aware there are things I have to work on, but to grow up being so sheltered, there are so many things I have yet to learn, and I am grateful for the opportunity, regardless of how old I already am. I can’t say I’m late to the party when this is my life, and the path I’m walking on isn’t the same as anyone else’s. I’m even trying to eliminate the phrase “some people are just so lucky” when it comes to looking at other people’s lives at my age who are very much stable and have their shit together. We’re all destined for something.
HOLD ON, I’M NOT DONE YET, OKAY — I’m way too narcissistic to end things here.