Image from Flickr

Here’s the thing about Body Shaming, Kids. IT’S NOT COOL. Just in case you haven’t figured it out yet, BECAUSE 90% OF EARTH’S POPULATION HASN’T.

First of all, I will not be posting photos of myself in this entry because it would totally defy the purpose of why I’m writing this. My past and current figure is NOT A BASIS for what a Woman should look like, what is acceptable and not, what looks healthy and not.

Sure, we’ve had judgy thoughts about other people’s bodies, I know I do. I’m not a hypocrite. But I am also not cruel. I keep those mean, nasty opinions to myself because that’s what you’re supposed to do.

Which brings us exactly to this moment. There’s actually an exchange of friendly banter between friends recently, and not a big deal, really – I’m never the type who gets pikon for being poked fun at. I’m usually very game and would make myself look silly because on most days I don’t take myself seriously. But there is one specific thing I am very, very, very sensitive about.

See, it wasn’t until my mid-20’s when I lost my stick-thin figure. In College, I was rumored to be anorexic because of how thin I was. It wasn’t cool. Girls would talk about it while they were right next to me, when I walk past them (not even having an ounce of decency to wait until I was at least a couple of feet away, nope) and I wish I was making this up. My own friends would even joke about my figure. I was actively modeling at the time, but trust me, the fact that I was blessed with bookings didn’t do shit for my self-confidence because my own friends were making fun of me.

I did everything I could to gain weight, and it worked, and I was the happiest. I made myself believe that the only way for me to be sexy was to be meaty, because everyone around me kept telling me “if only you gained a little…” Even if it wasn’t my body type. Even if it wasn’t healthy for me (because I was desperately doing all the wrong things for the wrong reasons) And of course, when I gained weight, naturally, I gained everywhere. And guess what : my friends still made fun of me, despite my bliss from achieving what was then my life goal.

My friends kept insisting on their standards of what made women sexy, accompanied by the words, “This is how your body should be“, “This is how you should look like“. And again, I wish I was making this up.

Fast forward to recently, a close friend of mine sent a very unflattering photo of me in our Group Chat. I was in a Bikini and was bulging in all the wrong places. Normally this would be a thing we’d do to each other. And I shouldn’t mind because this is the nature of our friendship. Like I said, it was the occasional banter among friends. Real friends. True friends.

Although, I couldn’t help but feel offended. I immediately came to my own defense saying “I don’t look like that anymore“, “I worked hard to lose weight, fuckers!” Then I sent a recent photo of myself in a two piece Bikini, barely any bulge in sight. It felt like the right thing to do.

Ten seconds later, I felt the exact opposite. That candid photo was taken 3 years ago. I was happy then, regardless. I felt like I let my 2012 self down. Why should I be embarrassed of her? She didn’t mind looking like that then, she wasn’t even ashamed to put on a Bikini. Why did it have to matter if I chose to have a different approach to my health and physical appearance? Essentially, I’m still that person. My defense was unnecessary. It didn’t make me feel better. In fact, I felt exactly like one of my friends who bullied me constantly for my imperfections (because they’re so perfect).

It’s a long journey, the road to self-love and acceptance. And it’s hard either way, whether you grew up in a supportive, loving Family or have been surrounded with negativity since Birth – in the end, it all comes down to how you see yourself. The phrase “You are your own Best Friend” never really made much impact to me until recently, when I spent a lot of time keeping myself company. And it does feel good, being kind to yourself. We keep hearing these words, these slogans. Love yourself, Love yourself, Love yourself. And you think you already do, you think you know what it means until you realize that you don’t know shit.

The best lesson I’ve learned from this is how humbling and at the same time, empowering it is when others try to bring you down and magnify your flaws, and you just take a step back and admire your scars, your imperfections, and know that deep down, you’ve got something no one else does. That’s another way to look at your flaws – look at them as your strengths.

I’ve been working a lot on my body since last year, so I could look (not according to anyone else’s standards but my own, because I know my body more than anyone else) and feel healthy. Part of the process is for me to lose what I feel like I need to lose before I work on the building part. Recently, someone told me, sarcastically, “You’re gaining a lot of weight. You should eat more”. Not gonna lie – a part of it got to me. But for the first time, I simply shrugged, then laughed (with a hint of sarcasm, because it still appalls me that people don’t know shit).

I can’t wait for you all to do and feel the same. Because you know, the world is full of assholes and will occasionally feel the need to say shit to your face like it’s not YOUR body. Soldier on, my friends. Let your soul give them the middle finger and walk away.