… things I already knew. When Mama died, my whole world shifted. A part of me died with her, and there is a void I will never be able to fill, ever. A cheesy as this sounds, that void served as a way for me to be … reborn. The Abbie that existed before her death has died. A piece of that old me will always be in here, somewhere. But I am never the
Let me tell you something : Nothing is scarier than being a sheltered person almost your entire life, and starting over in your 30s. Let me tell you another thing : It probably could not get any better than this. Of course that’s me trying to talk some optimism into my life (also, I believe in the power of manifestation / speaking things into existence), and I may be as SCARED AS FUCK right now,
But the other day it had told me to “Take a leap before looking”, and I laughed at it, because that was exactly what I was doing. I’m sat at the balcony of my room at the Constance Ephelia, in … SEYCHELLES. Taking my first ever solo trip to quiet my mind. Well that’s a phrase I didn’t think I’d ever say, but here we are. Deep breaths. Deep breaths, Abbie. I’m not just turning
Heads up : This entry is all over the place! Bear with me. It was years ago when someone left a comment on my Tumblr asking, “Why do you always like to announce that you liked something ahead of everyone?”. I always thought it was because I wanted to prove to people (mostly to myself) that I wasn’t hopping on the hype train. In my thirties, it dawned on me that it was because I
I was asked by a friend sometime at the end of last year, during a very quick, but in-depth conversation regarding our lives : “Is this it for you? Wala ka nang goals?”, I kind of wondered what it meant exactly, it wasn’t demeaning (her tone definitely wasn’t), and it took me awhile to actually figure out the answer. We’re raised in a society where you’re expected to get your shit together after high school.
I don’t know if I’m doing the right thing, I don’t know if I’m saying the right things either. But I’m going to say them anyway, because I’ve kept these to myself (and a few close friends) for awhile now. I know I’m probably missing the point by saying these out loud, and in this manner (especially the first), but writing AND publishing this helps me be more honest with myself. I don’t see anything wrong with being open to things you are still discovering (self-awareness is everything!).
Suicide is such a “tricky” thing. I should know. We did not choose to be born, life doesn’t come with a manual, and it is so hard, in general — to simply live. Getting out of it should be a choice. It should be. It’s not fair to impose living to someone who simply does not want to just be this … anymore. The thing is … Well …