You know what? I don’t. I don’t know. I was taken to Cloud 9, and reality is calling me now. I don’t know how to get back down.

Do you know how you have days when all you want to do is sleep, wishing that time would stop as you go in deep, deep slumber – and sometimes wishing you wake up and it’s 5 years later when life found a way to get you out of a pickle it put you in?

I’m exhausted. Last night I had an outpour of emotions that hadn’t swooshed in in awhile. I was crying like heck. I was talking to myself, I was talking to people, people who I wish were in front of me. I was sitting there pouring my heart out to basically someone, and no one.

5 rings. There was no answer. I threw my phone on the bed. Less than 10 minutes later, I receive a message. It was the exact words I wanted to read. But then it made me cry more.

I hope you could tell the difference between WANT and NEED.

*****

I’ve been looking back at my life these past few days. I’ve been sighing a lot. I’ve been laughing a lot. Very nostalgic, very …

*****

I’m exhausted.

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I’ve put my phone away from me. Well, I’ve attempted to – for the rest of the day. I’ve tried to make less interaction with people on the internet. Because, I feel … strangled.

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I think I’m having the worst case of the Holiday Blues. I’ve avoided listening to all types of Christmas songs and Carols. But yesterday, while I was getting ready in the morning, Jose Mari Chan’s “A Perfect Christmas” started to play in my head (THE WHOLE SONG) and then I just felt ALL of it – it was like I was standing beneath the strongest of Waterfalls – all these memories of my childhood with my Family during the Holidays, realising that most of them are gone.

*****

I received a message last night that made my entire world freeze for 2 minutes. And then I stopped myself from crying in public. Such a wake-up call. And to make things worse – my Besties who I could talk to about these petty feelings are both on vacation. I didn’t want to ruin it for them. So … here I am. Eyes all puffy, waking up in the middle of the night thanks to my panic attacks, and basically just … feeling anxious the entire time in bed.

Sometimes I forget how to breathe. Sometimes I forget where I am and I have to hold on to something just so I could get a grasp of being here, wherever here is.

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My horoscope for 2016 says I have to brace myself for change.

I am cringing. I’m a Cancer, so … getting out of my comfort zone is such a nightmare.

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I don’t know. What do I do with these feelings? What do I do with these fears? What do I do to stop myself from waking up in the middle of the night, suffering from a panic attack? Like you’re falling from thousands and thousands of feet but your feet is planted firmly on the ground.

I hate this.

But I also asked for it. So, there really isn’t anyone to blame.

*****

I was walking down the hallway about an hour ago.

It dawned on me : I don’t really know what I want.

Or that I do – but … it’s just …

Impossible?