Consider this a sequel.
Is it wrong for me to want something this strong?
All my life I’ve heard people say, If you want something, go get it.
The strongest connection I’ve ever had with someone happened by accident. Totally by accident. None of us planned it, it just happened. We knew each other for a year. Small talk, one liners — all for a year.
One fated day it just happened. “Do you watch Game of Thrones?”, I asked him. We were on the last painful stretch of Season 8. His eyes lit up.
One GoT meme on WhatsApp. Then 2. Then 3. A week or so later he drunk texts. I sit on the bed watching something on the Telly (probably “When They See Us”, which he encouraged me to see, or was it Chernobyl, which I in turn, encouraged him to see — lel). I sit there smiling, like an idiot, pretending not to know what was happening. Regardless, I internally ask myself, because it felt good to ask.
Next week he’s rolling his chair over to me to show me how many steps he did over the week and I turned red. So red, I knew he noticed. A couple of weeks after that, he turns red — as he hands me over a couple of printed memes on small pieces of paper he cut up and individually wrote “LEL” on at the back (something I always type on WhatsApp that rubbed off on him). “Pull one for each day I’m away to make you laugh”, he said. Then he grabs a piece of paper towel to wipe off his forehead. Can he tell I’m equally as nervous as he is, with the little space between us, as I munch on a donut he tried to discreetly hand to me half an hour ago?
“Walk with me?”, he asks. We spend a good 4 minutes before parting ways. Days passed, and those minutes would turn into hours. Then Lunch. Then Dinner. People from the other table looking at me as I walk over to his side, arm raised, ready to hit him on the head for a stupid comment he makes. “People are looking!”, he said in between laughs. I don’t care. Let them look. Let other people share this brief memory of us being silly in public, at the Mall’s Food Court, having Chinese for Dinner.
And then we couldn’t.stop.talking. We would spend hours on end smiling and laughing at our phones. HOURS. FOR HOURS. HOURS, EACH DAY. He would be my first thought in the morning, and my last thought at night.
It has not changed since then.
Several weeks after that, he and I … we … let me just break out into a smile as I type this paragraph in my head. I won’t publish it because, it’s ours. It will always be ours. Consider this bit [redacted].
God, I always liked him. I saw him once more than a year ago and it hit me. His presence, like he was surrounded by this beautiful bright light. “There’s something about him”, I told myself. That feeling never went away. Not even now. Not even when we barely speak to or see each other.
It was fast. Everything happened so fast, so deep, that it felt like we were in our own world. Another dimension. And then in a split second I was sprung back to this plane. I realized I did not like it here at all. Take me back to my Unicorn.
I want to run my hand on his arm while his hand is on my thigh, I want to caress his nape, I want him to hurriedly unbuckle his seat belt so he could rest his head on my chest again, or give me a cuddle.
(How can you tell me this wasn’t written in the stars?)
What am I doing wrong.
They tell me to put myself out there, explore the field, and explore some more. But something about that doesn’t sit right with me — and believe me, I’ve tried … it’s not my thing.
I don’t want to project myself into places I’m not meant to be in. Not when it comes to this.
This had come naturally — like it’s supposed to. I want it to hit me like a ten wheeler truck.
I mean, this one did. BOOM, and this is it. This is the equally fiery, equally passionate person I have wanted all my life. And then it’s taken away.
There is nothing I want more.
(Also, remember when I said this?)
33 years of existence, and if there’s anything I learned, is that I am no longer willing to settle for what looks good on paper. It can’t just “work”, for me. I found something that brought out the life I never knew I had existed inside of me. Is that too cheesy? I mean, I won’t apologise for the truth.
“You deserve someone who would give you a hundred percent“, he once said.
In between breaths, I respond to him in my head.
“I deserve you, you twat.”
All my life I’ve heard people say, “if you want something, go get it”.
Hey, I did. Now, make it want me back … again.