I, Well …
I’m going through a whirlwind of things. If you could only see how many posts I started typing (but never got around to finishing) over the past few weeks, you’d know how much I hate myself for it.
But it was a very healthy break I sort of took from the Internet. Very minimal posting, and never about the big things. It’s just gotten so stressful (and I mean, even more than it already is) for me so I figured I should really do myself a favor.
I’m trying to do more blogging now, though. We all know how therapeutic this is, even if you don’t know what I’m talking about or trying to say most of the time. That’s the beauty of blogging for yourself. You don’t really feel the need to make everything clear to everyone. I always imagine my other personas reading my blog whenever I type. I won’t even ask you if that makes me sound weird. Knowing myself, I’m not the type for most to really, truly get. But I guess we all feel that way, don’t we?
Anyway, before I remind myself what the past couple of weeks have been like, I should just say – not letting the cyberworld know what I’m up to down to the second was refreshing. Twitter didn’t know what I was binge-watching, what song I was crying to, and which movie I re-watched. Said it before and I’ll say it again : I truly appreciate what Technology has done for us to be able to keep in touch more, but the mystery is gone. I miss the mystery. I miss the effort. I miss communicating.
So, yes. I have used all this time to myself to continue trying to ask the same questions each day and each night, trying to analyse if I’m actually asking the right ones, or if the answers have always been right under my nose the entire time.
What can I say, I constantly live inside my head. Just a few minutes ago, I could feel my chest tighten. Another panic attack. I toss and turn in bed and I can’t shake it off. The questions, the doubts, the fear. It’s paralysing me. I try to enjoy each moment as it is but the second I feel the joy, it is taken away from me. Why do that? Am I looking at the wrong things? Am I looking at them the wrong way? Am I creating my own problems?
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