Let me tell you something : Nothing is scarier than being a sheltered person almost your entire life, and starting over in your 30s.
Let me tell you another thing : It probably could not get any better than this.
Of course that’s me trying to talk some optimism into my life (also, I believe in the power of manifestation / speaking things into existence), and I may be as SCARED AS FUCK right now, but there isn’t any other way from here, but to spring up.
Following my separation and coming out of a 16-year relationship, most people have told me to “GO FORWARD”. My internal response to this has always been, “WHERE THE FORK IS FORWARD? I don’t even know where I am right now”, and it’s a pretty valid response, but not something I should keep telling myself.
Here’s the thing, though : You can’t expect me to pressure myself to get my shit together right away, or have everything figured out. It’s quite a lot to process, and honestly, I am not trying to rush into anything. I thought I was walking down a path I would always be on, and look where I am now — in a completely different … continent. I’m out of my comfort zone, and everyday is a freaking battle at this point. But I can’t keep conjuring typhoons — I should calm my fucking waters. MYSELF. Which I am struggling with, but taking day by day.
This will sound pathetic, because I know this is something I should come up with myself, for myself — but I’ve never really had any form of … “guidance” from anyone. I am (rolling my eyes at the number of times I’ve said this,) so sheltered that no one actually validated me for my potential, or what I’m capable of. It sucks to need external validation, but that’s my reality. As an adult, hearing things such as “You’re capable of so many / great things” feels like a joke. I think it’s why I was always just fine with comfortable.
Funny story : I told my Dad I got a pay increase last year and all he said was it happened because of divine intervention. I cried about it so much because, as much as I believe in divine intervention, is it really that difficult to maybe give your Daughter some credit for, I don’t know — doing a good job, maybe? Living on her own in another Country, far from immediate family, etc.?
I mean … do you get what I’m saying? Anyway. I have veered way off topic.
I’m not going to sit here and force things to happen. It doesn’t mean I’m going to stop making things happen for myself, either. There are aspects I am unable to control. I’m going to work on what I can at the moment, and keep at it. Do I panic, you ask? I panic everyday, honestly. But I can’t make myself my worst enemy. I prefer to challenge myself — one thing I thought I have mastered, but apparently have not … at all. I wasn’t challenging myself, I was doing the opposite. But god, where do I begin? I feel so small standing next to people who seem to have everything figured out. I’m not a weakling, and I don’t want to be one of the many people already probably looking down on me for not having their shit together at this age. I know I’ll get to sorting things out. At least I hope I do.
Society sort of bullies you into its standards, and that’s one of the toughest things you have to battle, because they’re mostly mental prisons you’ve built for yourself. I’m pretty fucking sure people don’t see this as a strength but there are times when you can’t just go with the grain. When it comes to YOUR life, you have every fucking right to go against the flow when your heart calls for it. Ugh. If only people truly listened to themselves and wouldn’t care what people thought of their decisions. Where does your happiness lie? Will you let other people dictate how you should live your life? If someone makes you happy, why not fucking go for it? Life is so fucking short. Take a fucking leap, for fuck’s sake. The worst thing you can do IS NOT DO ANYTHING. Anyway. That was a misplaced rant. Am I making sense? I am to me.
It’s why I’ve always found the strength to take certain leaps of faith — the landing could hurt, sure — but I’ll take it. I don’t care what people have to say about the things I decide to do, they’re not the ones waking up in this body, I am. I’ll do what makes me happy.
The universe is teaching me patience. And so I shall take my time.
I was raised by such chill parents. One of the cons is that it was very imbalanced. I was spoiled with the privilege of just being. Do what you want, it doesn’t matter. But to have this mindset (life and career-wise), it’s not very good in the long run, is it? Sidenote : Should I succumb to life on the road, a nomad, living in a caravan with my Dog? … actually, imagine if I could actually live like that. I’d forking love it. There was a time when my life goal was to live in Greece with my Dog and I would be working in the local market, walking home barefoot and whatnot. Have a glass of wine by the beach at the end of the day.
A part of me wants to drown in self-loathing for being a hopeless romantic. But it’s what I fucking love about myself the most.
And yes, life is short. Yes, we don’t live forever. That’s the fucking beauty of it. For a little while, after going through what I’ve gone through, let me fucking live in the now.
There are so many voices in my head I try to tune out. No, I am not running out of time. No, I am not supposed to know what I’m meant to do right now, or where I’m supposed to be in 5 years. The fear lies in the disappointment that things won’t turn out the way I intend to. I believe my best friend in this case should be flexibility. I have to learn it.
Time is relative, sure. But it’s all we have. And all we don’t.
But you know what, though? In my mind, I will always have Mexico.
I have already moved there with you.