I’ve listed down a couple of things I’ve been up to since 11/11 (fucking Tower moment, fucking fuck). As well as a couple of things I’ve been nostalgic about. Normally I would be drunk-texting you these things, but we’re barely talking these days, and, well …

To clarify, this is basically notes I’ve started taking 6 days post 11/11. I was too intoxicated and drugged with sleeping pills to remember what happened the week of (a lot of crying in F.H,’s arms, for one, that’s one I’ll never forget because it was the only way I could get myself to sleep).

You have to remember that I posting this RAW. There is so much uncensored stuff + anger that I’m putting out there. For myself. Because, obviously … as true to the category this is filed under, these are things I can no longer tell you.

I present to you WEEK(ish) ONE :

November 17, Day 1 (Technically Day 6) :
Toilet Cry Count : 2
Meal Count : 1
Cigarette Count : 3
Alcohol Count : 0
Method used to sleep : F.H.’s arms

Things I was nostalgic about:
1.) Sitting by the planters to figure out what we were going to do that day (the shopping + drinking days, I miss that)
2.) Watching you squint your eyes as you smoked under the Sun
3.) Booking an Uber to get the heck out of here for drinks

Things I wanted to say to you:
1.) I miss you.

Questions (to the Universe / Myself / You, whatever applies) :
1.) I wondered if we’re on the opposite sides of the building right now.

November 18, Day 2 (Technically Day 7) :
Toilet Cry Count : 0 (but have been internally crying the whole day)
Meal Count : 1
Cigarette Count : 4
Alcohol Count : 0
Method used to sleep : F.H.’s arms

Things I was nostalgic about:
1.) Smiling after lunch
2.) Looking forward to holding your hand on the way home
3.) Booking an Uber to get the heck out of here for drinks

Things I wanted to say to you:
1.) You’ve seen me naked. Small talk is bullshit. I hope you know this is my internal monologue EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.WE.SMALL.TALK.
2.) It is an inconvenience to feel, I know that — but don’t use it against me.
3.) The fact that you don’t allow yourself to be vulnerable doesn’t make you mature.

Questions (to the Universe / Myself / You, whatever applies) :
1.) I wonder if you’re wondering if I’ve left (I have).

November 19, Day 3 (Technically Day 8) :
Toilet Cry Count : 0
Crying on F.H.’s Arms : 2 Hours
Meal Count : 1
Cigarette Count : 4
Alcohol Count : 0
Method used to sleep : F.H.’s arms

Things I was nostalgic about:
1.) Caressing your neck and arms on the way home
2.) Seeing you smile after we kiss

Things I wanted to say to you:
1.) Again, you’ve seen me naked. Don’t ask me what flavor of Curry I had for Dinner.
2.) I want to hate you so bad but I can’t. Please don’t take advantage of knowing that.
3.) I think it’s unfair that after everything, I’m more scared of losing you, than you, me. What a terrible way to find out I don’t mean as much as I think I did.

Questions (to the Universe / Myself / You, whatever applies) :
1.) I wonder if I’m doing the right thing by sending you that long ass message.

November 20, Day 4 (Technically Day 9) :
Toilet Cry Count : 0
Crying on F.H.’s Arms : 0 (we slept at 8PM)
Meal Count : 1
Cigarette Count : 7
Alcohol Count : 0
Method used to sleep : F.H.’s arms

Things I was nostalgic about:
1.) Watching you make me breakfast
2.) Our silent moments
3.) Kissing you at the end of the day
4.) Seeing the lines form on your face when you smile
5.) That time you adjusted your seat too close to the steering wheel and I took a mental picture of you

Things I wanted to say to you:
1.) JUST GIVE THIS ONE MORE CHANCE DAMMIT
2.) HOW DARE YOU NOT WANT TO GIVE ME MORE TIME
3.) Today you said, “I wish there was something I could do”, and I wanted to say, “All those memories we made together? Take them. I don’t want them.”
4.) I hate you

Questions (to the Universe / Myself / You, whatever applies) :
1.) Do you still think of me?
2.) How does it feel sitting across me watching my heart break?
3.) I’m walking to the mall and taking the route we used to take… do you miss walking with me whilst telling me about your day?

November 21, Day 5 (Technically Day 10) :
Toilet Cry Count : 1 (not in the Toilet, but whilst getting ready in the morning)
Crying on F.H.’s Arms : 0
Meal Count : 1
Cigarette Count : 11
Alcohol Count : 0
Method used to sleep : F.H.’s arms

Things I was nostalgic about:
1.) Watching you ramble about your day
2.) You, asking to hold my hand under the table
3.) Giving you a drunken hug whilst you were sat down that one night at [redacted] and I vividly remember kissing your head lel

Things I wanted to say to you:
1.) It sucks that as shit as I feel, I can’t help but smile at you when I see you, like nothing’s wrong, like you didn’t break me. I wish you didn’t have that power over me.
2.) DON’T TOUCH ME (also, yes, touch me, it’s okay).
3.) I see you’ve received my letter. Have you shredded it right away? Is it in the bin where I seem to belong as well, in your eyes?

Questions (to the Universe / Myself / You, whatever applies) :
1.) Do you think I’m not good enough for you because I’m happy where I am currently, career-wise? Do you think I’m not driven enough in life? Because may I remind you, I’m getting out of a very long-term relationship and I’m still figuring out things. You can’t expect me to have things figured out at this point.

November 22, Day 6 (Technically Day 11) :
Toilet Cry Count : 0
Crying on F.H.’s Arms : 0
Meal Count : 2
Cigarette Count : 6
Alcohol Count : 0
Method used to sleep : F.H.’s arms

Things I was nostalgic about:
1.) Playing MarioKart together and me asking for a kiss before the game started. “NO, I am in battle mode! I do not kiss enemies!” But you kiss me anyway.
2.) Your road rage. Is it weird that I find it adorable?
3.) Us sweating after a power nap, burrito’d together, and vividly hearing you whisper to me, “I’m just so obsessed with you, you know?” as you half-sleepily try to explain why we’re clinging on to each other like that.
4.) You scolding [redacted] for their delayed delivery and you’re grumpy because hungry. The distinction between you being pissed and calmly holding me in your arms during, lel.

Things I wanted to say to you:
1.) I miss you. We haven’t spoken all day today, a first since we started talking-talking. I don’t know how to feel. I hope you’re okay though, and having fun?
2.) I miss you.
3.) I miss you.

Questions (to the Universe / Myself / You, whatever applies) :
1.) How are you taking this so easy?
2.) My mind has been clouded with worrying about losing you completely. Are you worried about losing me completely? I don’t think so. I don’t think I’m a loss to you at all.

November 23, Day 7 (Technically Day 12) :
Toilet Cry Count : 1 (I was at home, so it was in bed)
Crying on F.H.’s Arms : 0
Meal Count : 1
Cigarette Count : 0 (I’m sick today)
Alcohol Count : 0
Method used to sleep : F.H.’s arms

Things I was nostalgic about:
1.) Watching you watch YouTube videos
2.) Us making out to Travis Scott (who I can now no longer listen to)

Things I wanted to say to you:
1.) Could you come and give me a hug?
2.) I’m sorry to have ruined everything with my feelings.

Questions (to the Universe / Myself / You, whatever applies) :
1.) We haven’t spoken in two days. Are you okay with this? Is this what you want? Are you happier not talking to me?

Therefore, I conclude : 

I haven’t been drinking alcohol. Not since 11/11. I think it’s odd but also I sort of understood why. Back then I knew what I wanted to drown out. I just wanted to sleep. I just wanted to wake up the next day and actually forget what I was worried about.

Not this time. This time, it was way too loud EVERY WHERE. My heart was saying things, my mind was saying things, my body was saying things. At times it was dead silent. There were days when I’d wake up in the middle of the night and I’d refuse to go back to sleep. Some days, I do, though I don’t know how I do it. I just slide back into little spoon position.

He’s helped me a lot. My safety net. He’s held me every night since 11/11 to make sure I sleep. I’m panicking at the thought of him leaving as I usually get intense panic attacks when I’m left alone. He doesn’t even live here anymore. He doesn’t even have to do all this for me. But he is. “I’m always here for you, whatever you need“, he says. To say I am grateful is an understatement.

[4 paragraphs redacted]

If you’re reading this, which I doubt you are — I hope you do not take this against me, I mean, me saying these things. I have no other outlet.

And I hope, you do remember — that I do not hate you.

You said you know me, so I’m assuming … that you know, the reason I’m putting this out there is because what I feel is the total opposite of hate.