I’ve listed down a couple of things I’ve been up to since 11/11 (fucking Tower moment, fucking fuck). As well as a couple of things I’ve been nostalgic about. Normally I would be drunk-texting you these things, but we’re barely talking these days, and, well …

To clarify, this is basically notes I’ve started taking 6 days post 11/11. I was too intoxicated and drugged with sleeping pills to remember what happened the week of (a lot of crying in F.H,’s arms, for one, that’s one I’ll never forget because it was the only way I could get myself to sleep).

You have to remember that I posting this RAW. There is so much uncensored stuff + anger that I’m putting out there. For myself. Because, obviously … as true to the category this is filed under, these are things I can no longer tell you.

I present to you WEEK(ish) TWO :

November 24, Day 8 (Technically Day 13) :
Toilet Cry Count : 2 (but in bed — as I’m sick)
Crying on F.H.’s Arms : 0
Meal Count : 1
Cigarette Count : 0
Alcohol Count : 0
Method used to sleep : F.H.’s arms

Things I was nostalgic about :
1.) Us walking side by side and you saying something silly that would result to a little nudge (which you do with your whole body)

Things I wanted to say to you :
1.) I’ve tried starting a conversation with you today but you seem to be … quite distant. It was my way of saying, “it’s safe to talk to me”, but the vibe I was getting was … off.

Questions (to the Universe / Myself / You, whatever applies) :
1.) How do you want me to act around you now, if I’m trying to initiate a conversation and you act all cold, am I supposed to keep trying? Or am I supposed to keep my distance? Because I remember you mentioning that there’s no reason for us to stop talking … I’m quite confused? I’m trying to put my hurt feelings aside to maintain communication with you but you don’t seem to be very happy about that.

November 25, Day 9 (Technically Day 14) :
Toilet Cry Count : 0
Crying on F.H.’s Arms : 0
Meal Count : 1
Cigarette Count : 0
Alcohol Count : 0
Method used to sleep : F.H.’s arms

Things I was nostalgic about:
1.) Us taking a cat nap together, me sleeping on your arm as it’s raised above your head, and you’re sleeping on your stomach. As soon as I position my head towards your head, you mirror my gesture, and we lie there for a good 10 minutes, in silence.
2.) The first time we kissed, drunkenly sat at the back of the cabbie. My eyes were shut closed, and I could feel you breathing on my forehead. I tilt my head to meet your face, and then it happened. I could cry thinking of that moment — felt right. Felt special. Don’t you hate how cheesy and emotional I am?
3.) Sitting across you at The Cheesecake Factory. That was a good day. That was a good day. I want those days back.

Things I wanted to say to you :
1.) My Cousin just asked me if I’ve seen The Joker, and I’m not going to lie, I’m honestly so annoyed you didn’t even think we should push through with our plans, regardless. I FORKING WAITED TO WATCH IT WITH YOU. SO FORKING INSENSITIVE.

Questions (to the Universe / Myself / You, whatever applies) :
1.) Do you miss me? Do you think about these moments with me the same way I am, and do you miss them? Do you want them back too?
2.) Wow. It’s been two weeks since you broke my heart. I doubt you remember, but … I wonder …

November 26, Day 10 (Technically Day 15) :
Toilet Cry Count : 0
Crying on F.H.’s Arms : 0
Meal Count : 2
Cigarette Count : 5
Alcohol Count : 0
Method used to sleep : F.H.’s arms

Things I was nostalgic about:
1.) “May I kiss you now?”, you ask from across the table — I move next to you and we are glued together. HARD. Could even barely have lunch. That’s how glued we were. With an audience, too, heh.
2.) Making our way through the crowd in the mall, post-shopping.
3.) You, dancing in the Car — I know I may appear quiet during those moments but I’d like you to know, if you haven’t noticed — how I would be smiling in my seat. I’m just taking in the moment.
4.) When I was throwing a tantrum whilst brushing my teeth and you hurriedly rushed to kiss my head and hug me from behind.
5.) When I was about to leave the parking lot and you make a quiet little plea : “But I want to give you a little kiss!”

Things I wanted to say to you:
1.) Oh, god — I wish I could tell you how much it hurts to miss you like this. To want those days back, and to see you just stand there in front of me, and I can’t touch you the way I used to.

Questions (to the Universe / Myself / You, whatever applies) :
1.) Could you come nap with me?

November 27, Day 11 (Technically Day 16) :
Toilet Cry Count : 0
Crying on F.H.’s Arms : 0
Meal Count : 2
Cigarette Count : 5
Alcohol Count : 0
Method used to sleep : F.H.’s arms

Things I was nostalgic about:
1.) Seeing your name on my phone … A LOT.

Things I wanted to say to you:
1.) You want to know what was on my mind that night we smoked together before leaving? How much I was avoiding that moment with you — I used to look forward to that time of day. That was our time together. Your hand on my leg, my hand on yours, with one stroking your arm — and now, we’re … walking separate paths. Do you … do you know how painful that is?

Questions (to the Universe / Myself / You, whatever applies) :
1.) Did you feel the same pain when we started walking separately?
2.) Do you miss talking to me too?

November 28, Day 12 (Technically Day 16) :
Toilet Cry Count : 0
Crying on F.H.’s Arms : 0
Meal Count : 2
Cigarette Count : 7
Alcohol Count : 0
Method used to sleep : F.H.’s arms

Things I was nostalgic about:
1.) You lifting me up for a kiss after a week of us not seeing each other.
2.) The face you make when you look at your blind spot and purposely trying to look cute for me.

Things I wanted to say to you:
1.) I honestly don’t know how much more I could cry for you.

Questions (to the Universe / Myself / You, whatever applies) :
1.) Honestly please tell me I’m not the only one feeling like this.

November 29, Day 13 (Technically Day 17) :
Toilet Cry Count : 0
Crying on F.H.’s Arms : 0
Meal Count : 1
Cigarette Count : 3
Alcohol Count : 0
Method used to sleep : F.H.’s arms

Things I was nostalgic about:
1.) You calling me yours.
2.) You drunk texting me.
3.) You drunk texting me asking me to be yours.

Things I wanted to say to you:
1.) It gives me anxiety not knowing what you’re up to. I miss that a lot. I know it must’ve brought you stress doing that, it didn’t seem that way to me because you would willingly tell me what you were doing. I miss knowing that. I miss you giving me updates on your guy. You little Nerd.

Questions (to the Universe / Myself / You, whatever applies) :
1.) How are you? I wonder how your day’s going.

November 30, Day 14 (Technically Day 18) :
Toilet Cry Count : 1
Crying on F.H.’s Arms : 0
Meal Count : 1
Cigarette Count : 7
Alcohol Count : 0
Method used to sleep : F.H.’s arms

Things I was nostalgic about:
1.) The smile on your face when I get in the car.
2.) The way you lovingly say “Hello, Darling”.

Things I wanted to say to you:
1.) Congrats on the win.
2.) God, I woke up feeling … restless. So restless, I cried 10 seconds later.

Questions (to the Universe / Myself / You, whatever applies) :
1.) We haven’t spoken in days. Are you thinking of me?

Therefore, I conclude : 

I can’t even put into words how I’m feeling right now. I’m still all over the place. I’m still in shock. I still have so many questions.

I still have days where I wake up in the middle of the night and think of you — this weekend was so bad that I had to find ways to force myself to go back to sleep. I was watching a video of a couple yesterday (the girlfriend had a surprise for her boyfriend), and was actually quite happy because they looked so cute — and then out of nowhere I started to cry.

It’s funny, isn’t it? I wasn’t alone at the time so I had to rush to the toilet.

Oh, god. What I’d give. What I’d give.

We haven’t spoken in days and I keep wondering what effect that has on you. It gives me anxiety thinking I’m losing-losing you. Losing you. As if I haven’t already lost you enough. I don’t know what’s worse.

Oh, but I do know — it’s not getting to see your face when I wake up, or feeling you pull me towards you in the middle of the night. Seeing you try to repress your grumpiness before you had your coffee, or when you haven’t been fed. It’s not getting you run my hands on your face. I miss it so much I’ve started to cry.

Please tell me you remember all this. I can’t be the only one drowning in memories. How did we have so many in this amount of time. And why does it hurt so much.