I’ve listed down a couple of things I’ve been up to since 11/11 (fucking Tower moment, fucking fuck). As well as a couple of things I’ve been nostalgic about. Normally I would be drunk-texting you these things, but we’re barely talking these days, and, well …

To clarify, this is basically notes I’ve started taking 6 days post 11/11. I was too intoxicated and drugged with sleeping pills to remember what happened the week of (a lot of crying in F.H,’s arms, for one, that’s one I’ll never forget because it was the only way I could get myself to sleep).

You have to remember that I’m posting this RAW. There is so much uncensored stuff + anger that I’m putting out there. For myself. Because, obviously … as true to the category this is filed under, these are things I can no longer tell you.

I present to you WEEK(ish) THREE :

December 1, Day 15 (Technically Day 19) :
Toilet Cry Count : 1
Crying on F.H.’s Arms : 0
Meal Count : 1
Cigarette Count : 5
Alcohol Count : 0
Method used to sleep : F.H.’s arms

Things I was nostalgic about :
1.)One day, in the car, whilst talking about [redacted], you said, “… it might even be the beginning of us.” I bet you forgot even saying that.

Things I wanted to say to you :
1.)I don’t know what is up with me today.

Questions (to the Universe / Myself / You, whatever applies) :
1.)Is there a point to me writing these entries and publishing them?

December 2, Day 16 (Technically Day 20) :
Toilet Cry Count : 2 (I was at home in the morning, so… bedroom)
Crying on F.H.’s Arms : 0
Meal Count : 2
Cigarette Count : 7
Alcohol Count : 1 Glass of Rum Coke
Method used to sleep : I was at a sleepover, so I was just … tired.

Things I was nostalgic about:
1.)Ruining our cuddling session by tickling you
2.)When I’d rest my head on your shoulder whilst you drive and you give me several kisses on the head

Things I wanted to say to you :
1.)I miss talking to you. I miss the rambling, I miss everything. I miss you thinking out loud. I miss your stories (I love how it feels like you’ve lived many lives). I could listen to you talk forever (because I love your brain).

Questions (to the Universe / Myself / You, whatever applies) :
1.)Why is it so easy for you to move on? You’ve obviously moved on on the spot (as in, 11/11) … And how am I managing knowing this? And not … hating everything?

December 3, Day 17 (Technically Day 21) :
Toilet Cry Count : 0
Crying on F.H.’s Arms : 0
Meal Count : 2
Cigarette Count : 7
Alcohol Count : 0
Method used to sleep : F.H.’s arms

Things I was nostalgic about:
1.)Seeing you watching me eat when it’s something you ordered because it makes you happy when I like it
2.)Seeing you watch me laugh at a video you pulled up on YouTube

Things I wanted to say to you:
1.)God I wish I could send you stuff I’ve done today. It was a good day. I miss sharing these things with you.

Questions (to the Universe / Myself / You, whatever applies) :
1.)I just wonder how your day’s going. Have you seen all those movies we planned on seeing together? *insert annoyed GIF here*

December 4, Day 18 (Technically Day 22) :
Toilet Cry Count : 0
Crying on F.H.’s Arms : 0
Meal Count : 2
Cigarette Count : 8
Alcohol Count : 0
Method used to sleep : F.H.’s arms

Things I was nostalgic about:
1.)The look on your face when you’re about to throw your gum out the window. “IT’S BIODEGRADABLE!”, you’d say on some days, as soon as you see my face.
2.)That time you grabbed [redacted] and the guy in the car next to us gives you the “respect nod”, oh dear lord

Things I wanted to say to you:
1.)In the amount of time we spent together, everything reminds me of you. Sometimes, it’s what makes me cry out of nowhere. I wonder if it’s the same with you. Not the crying, lel.

Questions (to the Universe / Myself / You, whatever applies) :
1.)You know what hurts though? Is knowing that if I ever reached the tipping point and said I couldn’t just be your friend, that you’d be okay with it. You wouldn’t panic. You wouldn’t be sad. You wouldn’t feel anything. You’d just let me be. I don’t know how much shittier I could feel because I know this to be true for a fact. You’d just let me be. Like I was nothing. Well … I don’t know what made me think I was ever anything.

December 5, Day 19 (Technically Day 23) :
Toilet Cry Count : 0
Crying on F.H.’s Arms : 0
Meal Count : 1
Cigarette Count : 9
Alcohol Count : 0
Method used to sleep : F.H.’s arms

Things I was nostalgic about:
1.)Hearing you sing
2.)The way you nod your head when I give you TLC, heh

Things I wanted to say to you:
1.)Most days since post 11/11, I’ve dreaded weekends. Because that’s no seeing you, and no talking. I haven’t initiated conversation even if I want to, because … isn’t that what you want?

Questions (to the Universe / Myself / You, whatever applies) :
1.)Hey, I can’t be the only one who misses you like this right? … I don’t know if I’ll ever stop wondering this.

December 6, Day 20 (Technically Day 24) :
Toilet Cry Count : 4 (I was at home, so … more like, bedroom + living room)
Crying on F.H.’s Arms : 0
Meal Count : 2
Cigarette Count : 7
Alcohol Count : 0
Method used to sleep : F.H.’s arms

Things I was nostalgic about:
1.)Cradling my legs in between yours when we sit across each other.
2.)Driving quite drunk one evening and I try to give you kisses and you go “PRECIOUS CARGO!!! I HAVE PRECIOUS CARGO” or summit, referring to me … and how we should be careful, lel.

Things I wanted to say to you:
1.)TALK TO ME PLEASE.

Questions (to the Universe / Myself / You, whatever applies) :
1.)Have you thought of me at all today?

December 7, Day 21 (Technically Day 25) :
Toilet Cry Count : 1
Crying on F.H.’s Arms : 0
Meal Count : 1
Cigarette Count : 8
Alcohol Count : 0
Method used to sleep : F.H.’s arms

Things I was nostalgic about:
1.)Going down the stairs, you ahead of me — and you rushing back up just to give me a kiss. I hope you know I melted then. With you, it’s always the little things. The little things mean the most.

Things I wanted to say to you:
1.)Every time I think about the things you went through, and where you are now … I can’t help but feel proud of you. I hope you know that above all the things I feel for you, “proud” is, and will always be … what tops the list. I just have so much respect for you, you know?

Questions (to the Universe / Myself / You, whatever applies) :
1.)I wonder if you wonder the same things I wonder.

Therefore, I conclude : 

God, you must be sick of these blog entries. Are you looking forward to the day I’d stop writing these? I must be a joke.

It hasn’t dawned on me how … I don’t know what makes you think that I … I don’t know.

I’m sitting over here laughing and smiling at all these little (and big) memories we made and then I remember where we’re at right now and I don’t know how I feel exactly. To be honest I don’t know I feel. I don’t. I feel like I’m constantly lying to myself just so I could keep you in my life in whatever way possible but at the same time I … It’s like I go into normal mode when I’m in front of you. I don’t like our new normal. I do not. But could I bear not having you? … Don’t we already know the answer at this point? It feels like I’ve lost either way. Either way.

I’m like … some days I can’t help but wonder what I did to make you think I’d be demanding … so much … from you. But alas, I have been rejected. I’ve been rejected and all I could think about are the good days. You must think I’m so pathetic.

Move on“, you told me. “It’ll pass“, you said. Like it’s a joke. Like you didn’t just … like …

Anyway. I’m thinking out loud. I’m not angry, just screaming into the void. Nothing seems fair. Nothing.