(You aren’t asleep, BTW. It’s a Sunday morning.)
Some you ask yourself, some you ask someone else, some you ask the Universe.
I am quite proud of how I’ve matured mentally and emotionally to know when a question is meant to be asked using my actual voice, and not the voice in my head. These things used to kill me. It still does, but I’m learning to learn how to wait for answers. Come to think of it, sometimes questions don’t even need to be asked. Sometimes you can’t ever ask them. Sometimes there is no answer.
I usually ask them in my head in the shower. Or when I’m drunk and on my third stick of cigarette.
The unknown is so scary. I’m constantly terrified. I’m the type who needs constant reassurance, maybe because I do not know where I stand exactly. I mean, I do … but not really. That’s where these questions spring from. I’ve got something in my hand, but what is it? And can I keep it forever?
Am I still on your mind like you said I always was, even if you don’t tell me? Do you still like me … lots? Do I still make you happy like you said I did? Am I still yours? You haven’t called me yours in a while. Are all those things still true? Do they still apply? Has anything changed?
Pretty basic questions. I don’t think I could ask them, because … well, I have to tread lightly. I don’t want to add up to the headache I already am by being my insecure self. I promise I’m working on it. Most of the time when these things boggle me, like the slight change of energy that makes me think “this is the day … it’s happening”, I tend to … I don’t know. I get ahead of myself so much. I overthink and overreact because I am terrified as fuck of losing the one thing … but then I try my darndest to snap back to this reality and remember that there is actually a difference between intuition and paranoia (I read articles about it last week, helped me calm down A LOT).
After a (much needed) reality check two weeks ago I haven’t drunk tweeted (terribly) since, I have tried my hardest to keep the soppy to myself … learning how to navigate properly through my feelings … I have to be careful, you know. If I don’t want things to change, if I don’t want to lose, I’ll have to stay calm. I don’t know where I stand exactly, but I surely know my place.
No question there. No complaints either.
Don’t think I’ve ever felt this happy ever. Why would I want to ruin that … with … questions?
P.S. — I would write this on my journal, but I wanted to scream it into the void. This is my therapy, okay. Don’t judge me.