(I’m bringing back “rambling posts”, because this is all I do here now.)

I’m writing this in the dark. Well, almost. It’s sunset. The 25th of May, a lovely Monday, at 6:45PM, second stick of Cigarette within the hour, 30 minutes of dancing to Harry’s second record. Currently at Fine Line. Majestic.

I binge-watched The Midnight Gospel at around 12:00AM today, and ugly cried at Episode 8. I loved the show so much that I watched it a second time when I woke up, and ugly cried again. Something about the way the characters tackled Death that really hit me.

There’s so much discussion on forgetting how to live in the present that was mentioned in the show that got to me. As humans we’re programmed to constantly progress, look forward to what we’re supposed to be doing in the next hour. Get this done, then that to get that other thing done. The list is endless. We’re constantly striving to “what lies ahead”.

We’ve always known that life is uncertain, it’s why we work towards controlling everything we could so we don’t ever find ourselves in a situation where we worry about the uncertainty. But that’s cheating. The pandemic proved that to me. In a split second, things could change, and they have — we haven’t learned from our history, apparently. Technology would aid us to make going through this easier, but honestly — it could only do so much.

Our troubles then are our troubles now, collectively. Well, excluding the Millionaires, Billionaires, and Jeff Bezos.

I know, I know. That’s where you’re going to counter me — “See what I mean, Abbie? About striving to be like those guys? They don’t have to worry the way they do. It’s why I can’t NOT hustle, and can’t NOT have my focus on one thing“.

Sure, but, in the middle of us working and working and striving and striving — I guess it’s not so bad to be present. To live a little. To know and learn other things that matter more than the material. And I am being realistic. I’m not saying those things don’t mean shit because they do — but there are other things that should top that on your list.

You know how in movies, when they leave you heartbroken because the Protagonists don’t live happily ever after, and you walk out of the Cinema thinking, “fuck … that could be me”. You know, like … the feeling you got after watching Brokeback Mountain, or Revolutionary Road.

It’s a fear that constantly eats at me. There’s only one thing I want in life, and the rest comes secondary. Then the World hit on the reset button right after I pressed on my own.

And that’s the thing : sometimes we end up being so concerned to be living in tragedy, that that’s what we’re headed towards, so much so that we forget that we might already be living our dream life, in a way.

So that’s what we work towards, I think. It’s not mainly, “how will this feel and look next year“, but more on “how do I feel right now, and if I died tomorrow, would I have called myself happy?“

How am I doing … at the present? Here? Now? I guess that’s a different kind of pressure, isn’t it? That my friend, is called “LIFE”. Actual life. Not what Society thinks we should be doing, not what Society defines it as.

I took a break from writing this entry to look at the Sky from my Window. Then I started to cry. It was a good cry, I think.

Yeah, I’d like to think so.

It just felt good to thank the present for the gift of however life is for me. How can you not feel overwhelmed when despite being in a pandemic, you have so much to feel grateful for? I’m speaking to those of us who are privileged enough to have food on the table, a roof over our heads, clothes on our backs, and are healthy. I try not to discredit my feelings when I get stressed about how things are currently, but we’ve got the basics on lock. Right now, let’s focus on that.

I asked myself a question when I stared out at the orange and yellow hues hitting my face : “If a meteor hit Earth right this second, would I think I lived a full life?“

The answer is “No“, because there’s so much more ahead of me, supposedly. But did I live my truth? Did I love wholeheartedly? Did I take a leap of faith, one that I am truly proud of? YES. YES. YES.

Apart from all the external things and beings, what’s one thing I possess that I could hold on to, that will never change, that will never fail me? My heart. And I have clung to this sucker since birth. All of the people and ~*feelings*~ it contains — it is my salvation. And regardless of what tomorrow brings, in the present, my heart will only have nothing but love.

If the world ended today, I would not have lived a full life yet, but my heart? Oh that, that is always full.