I can’t believe how uninspired I’ve been feeling these past few months. Like, a little less put together than the usual. I don’t know if this is caused by the stars (darn you, Natal Chart), ugh. I mean, I know I’m an introvert but my being unproductive is on another level. I usually like to do things over the weekend and such, even if I just stay home, and there have been days where I’d just laze around all day, but consecutively? IS IT THE HEAT?
Maybe it is. Or it isn’t. It’s not Mercury Retrograde either, right? Or is it? I honestly don’t know, and I don’t have the energy to assess things at this point. I’m just restless. It feels like I’m going in circles without taking a single step.
I feel like I need a break. And not just any break, A break. I would like to lie by the Beach without the Sun (+ humidity) trying to melt the skin off my body. FOR A WEEK.
I need to be able to breathe. Actually feel the air in my lungs. I’m so exhausted.
Here’s the thing : do you know the feeling of nurturing something … like, say, an Apple Tree. You spend hours and days and weeks growing it, even when you know you can’t ever pick the Apples when it blooms? It makes sense in my head — sadly I cannot elaborate.
I’m trying to figure out what makes me feel … displaced. I feel like a few screws have been loosened, like all of sudden I’m wired wrong. For weeks now I would wake up feeling off. WHAT IS HAPPENING, UNIVERSE???? WHAT ARE YOU TRYING TO TELL ME?????
I probably need to take some time off. I don’t know what would sitting in the apartment do, it’s basically all I “do” on weekends — but even then I don’t think I ever actually did breathe (Sidenote: Will they ever do a Black Mirror episode where they unplug people and then make them mentally go on holidays, kinda like the Matrix + San Junipero? I fucking need it to happen. Like in real life).
I feel like I could ramble for hours, explaining how I feel, but nothing would sum it up (maybe because I can’t). I don’t know what I need to do (I do). I know what I want to do (but I can’t) — and I’m not entirely sure it’s what I need (it is). Why can’t they just be the same thing? WHY AM I NOT ALLOWED TO WANT THIS?
W H Y? W H Y?
I’m taking several deep breaths.
It’s not helping.
I’m burying my head in my palms now.