(I wrote this on the 17th of May, while I was in line to get tested for the virus, lel. Results came back negative, BTW.)
I wanted to HATE the virus so hard — but I couldn’t.
I am speaking purely on my own experience. My entry could and will most probably come out insensitive, however, I will not discredit my own feelings towards all this. I am very much aware that we’re all dealing with this in our own way, and these are my feelings towards things the lockdown has taught me.
I am aware that this entry might even sound shallow but fuck it.
Okay, so … what have I learned from living through this nightmare? Everything. Nothing. I’ve learned things I already knew. I’ve dug out things that have been sitting at the back of my brain. Tried to face my fears. Ran away, ran away some more. The silence gave me no choice. I was in a dark room without a door, or a window. Anything I used as an escape rendered useless.
Then I realised that running made no sense — you couldn’t escape yourself. Also, astral projection is tricky and scary and is not a long-term solution at all. Lel. You use that for other things.
We are such fragile beings.
Money could surely help us get by, but at the end of the day, money can’t cuddle me to sleep. Money can’t hug me in silence for ten minutes. Money can’t wrap me up in a blanket and cling on to me to make me feel needed as much as I need it. Money can’t hold my hand. Money can’t give me kisses in between meals with greasy lips and whatnot. Money won’t smile at me when it puts on my favourite show on the Telly because it wants to see me happy. Money can’t take a sip of Frozen Mocha and lick my lips after saying, “This is good! Have you tried this?“
The pandemic made me realize that I was right all along — all I needed was — *gulp* — love. Everything else comes second. It’s my one true purpose. It’s all I am about. As much as I want to hate myself for it, how can I? It’s fucking beautiful.
Of course I have dreams for myself. I would like to be successful too, and by successful I mean, feeling content with my career, regardless of what I do — as long as it is able to bring food to the table, able to make me pay for bills, able to make me travel and see the world, support my future family — that’s success to me. BUT, man — TO BE WITH SOMEONE WHO MAKES ME FEEL LIKE THIS?
Time I’ve invested in, the effort I’ve put in, those can’t be things that matter to me in relationships. If those are factors I’ll consider, I’ll be held back.
The real questions are : Does this make me happy? Does this make me feel like I’ve come home to myself? Does this make me feel content?
Coming home at the end of the day to the same person with your heart racing every time because you can’t wait to be in their arms. Waking up in the morning laying next to them in silence and feeling nothing but peace. Living every single simple moment knowing that if you died right then and there, you have lived a full life, because you know you’ve found it : THE OTHER WHOLE PIECE OF YOURSELF (not your other half, because you’re meant to be whole on your own … you know what I mean?).
You know, you’ve only seen them 5 minutes ago but coming across them soon after with your heart skipping a beat. ALWAYS skipping a beat when you see their face.
I am at a crossroad.
I know I have found it, but I’m told that I’m the only one who feels that way.
I also know that I’m in my 30s, but would you judge me if I said I wasn’t in a rush to like, make everything SUPER SERIOUS RIGHT AWAY? If that’s a concern, and if that scares him away, that I would immediately want this and that and this and that — it’s not the case. But I do want the basics — I just want to sleep next to him, and wake up to his face. Why can’t we start there, and take it slow? Why would you call that wasted time, when … you’re happy? Who knows what the future has in store for any of us, there is only so much within our control. We could only take hold of the present, and then everything else follows. Take a risk with me, you’re not doing it alone — we’re doing it together.
I remember telling him, “I want you so much that it scares me”. And I meant it. It is an overwhelming feeling. It is scary to feel this vulnerable. It is scary to have something you know you could lose, and with them — a part of yourself.
I wish I could tell him that I am in this, 100%. His fears are my fears, his worries are mine. If we could only talk about it. But I can’t tell him that. I can’t say this to his face because that just puts me at an even higher risk of losing him completely. So what should I do? … Well, if I don’t want him to hate me, nothing. He knows how I felt, and still feel (I think). I’m torn between showing him that I want to fight for this, and standing back because my feelings could just … turn him away.
I mean, I’m not delusional.
I know it’s not going to be easy.
I know people will be disappointed.
I know it’s going to be a lot of work.
But it’s fucking worth it.
He’s fucking worth it.
Do I have all the solutions to the problems we’re going to face? No. Who does. But isn’t that the whole point of all this? We would figure it out together. Why should anything else matter?
Did I wish things weren’t so complicated? OF COURSE. But it is what it is. It sucks to find something so imperfectly perfect, something you just know in your gut is meant to be, but yet find out you’d need to untangle things to make it happen.
If it’s something that you know will bring you fulfillment, WHY NOT FIGHT FOR IT? Why not take a leap of faith and fight for it? I’m with you a hundred percent.
YOU KNOW? LIKE SIANNISE FUDGE. “OH, A HUNDRED PERCENT!“
Life is too short to not wake up every single morning knowing you’re sharing it with someone you can’t wait to come home to at the end of the day. Not being able to share all the memes and GIFs and YouTube videos because they remind you of them, because all you want to do is hear them laugh and see them smile — my friends, that’s what life is truly about. Honestly. AM I THE ONLY ONE SEEING IT THIS WAY?
And when you find that — when you find that person who makes you feel all the feelings … why would you let them go?
With the rate of how things are going in the world, is it really shallow to just want love? Am I shallow to think that we could make it together, because we have each other? No matter how hard it gets? It exists. A love like that exists. I would prove it to you if you let me.
But will I force him into this? OF COURSE NOT. I do not want to lose him completely. He’s in my life in whichever way he’s capable. I’ll accept it. I’ll take what he could give me. I’m compromising because I don’t want to lose him. I’m just saying this because … well, these are my feelings. Does that make sense? I love you this much. And I love myself this much to speak out my truth. Life is short. Why deny myself to say things I feel strongly about?
So, you might be sitting there, wondering : What’s the point of this post? I just wanted the Universe to hear me out… hear myself out. This is my way of screaming into the void, remember?
Also … no eggshells. You can’t hate me for speaking my truth. I hope you don’t think I’m putting pressure on you by saying these things out loud. That’s the last thing I’d want. I doubt you’re even reading this anyway. I don’t blame you. But if you are … can you pretend you did not read this, and then promise me you don’t hate me? And we could just be the way we are? Nothing has to change. You’re in my life, that’s more than enough.
Just needed to get this off my chest. I owe myself that much.