If I remember correctly, the last time I made one of these was in 2007. I think. You know I’m too lazy to fact check that. It’s one of my favourite traditions to do to close off the year, because it makes me think back (long and hard) on the year that passed, focusing on the take-aways – both the good and the bad.

2015 has been a very REAL year to me. I lost two of my closest relatives (my Grandmother and Uncle, both from my Mom’s side and in a span of less than four months apart – my Grandmother in June, Uncle in September), I learned to let go of friendships that were not doing me any good,  and I’ve started coming to terms with the person that I was, the person I am, and the person I am slowly working on (?) to become.

1.) SAY YES. You may not know what you’ve gotten yourself into, but you know what they say about things that scare you – they are definitely worth a try. If you’re unsure of something, but your gut is giving you that push, go for it. Life is short.

2.) DANCE AROUND YOUR COMFORT ZONE. I won’t really encourage anyone to immediately step out of their comfort zone. Well, at least for me. Take tiny steps. Eventually, and before you even know it – you’re ten inches out of your cozy little cave. If it stresses you out, don’t do it. Stepping out of your comfort zone should feel like a rewarding experience (because it is). If your gut is telling you otherwise, then don’t. No pressure. I mean, I have an extreme fear of heights like most people, but I do intend on Sky Diving one day, and the only way I could get to do that is if I put on Adult Diapees and probably warn people that I might be 1% out of the hundred who pass out mid-air. See? Dancing around my Comfort Zone … Somehow! Lol.

3.) LET GO OF TOXICITY. I feel like such a late bloomer! I finally had the strength / courage to let go of people who obviously weren’t good for me. I used to think it’s because they’re bad people, but now I’ve reconsidered (because they have other friends who could seem to stomach being around them), so it’s probably just that we don’t really jive well. You’re going to have to soldier on life leaving a few people behind. People change, and there’s nothing wrong with that.

4.) I AM SELFISH. I’ve always known this. but it wasn’t until this year that I’ve finally admitted it to, well, me. I tend to live inside my head a lot and forget that there are ACTUAL people around me with feelings. I won’t try to defend myself – it is one of my flaws that I intend to work on. I will say though – the reason I am selfish, comes from a very deep place. It still doesn’t make it right to be, but probably, understandably so.

5.) BUY IT. Just buy the darn thing. Life is short. Lol, okay I don’t really mean this with EVERY SINGLE THING you feel like buying, alright? But yeah 

6.) SCHOOL YOURSELF. Learning should never stop after you’ve graduated! But of course you already know that. This year I’ve learned a lot of French phrases. They’re still basic, but it’s more than what I learned last year. I also watched videos on Fine Dining Etiquette, because I can only watch Pretty Woman so much. Okay, wait, that’s a lie – I will never get tired of Pretty Woman. But an extensive video really helped, even learned about Wine Glasses! I didn’t know that there were specific Wine Glasses for each type of Wine! Also, the art of Wining and Cheesing. Can’t wait to try that. I’ve seen a lot of Documentaries this year as well and remembered how obsessed I was with them back in College. From The Science of Interstellar, to Cosmos, to The Jinx, to Parts Unknown, to biopics like Cobain : A Montage of Heck – it’s been such an interesting trip.

7.) HEART, ALWAYS. This year, I learned that I will truly, TRULY, T R U L Y always choose my heart over anything. And so maybe this is a sign for me to learn how to use it wisely. Although, it is such a beautiful thing to be sensitive, to be a sponge that absorbs everything happening around you, because not a lot of people are like that these days. Society tells us to toughen up, and most people spread the message that feelings are bad or corny or jej. Lang Leav poems suck, Tyler Knott Gregson is corny, this and that is pretentious, etc. What’s so bad about being the cheesy, sentimental, emotional sap that you are? Nothing. And if you’re someone who is passionate about following your heart, then by all means – please do. So few are as courageous. But you should know that not everything it wants a.) it gets and b.) is good for you. Your heart will not always see that, especially when it is pure and all it acknowledges is the good in people. Don’t just feel with it – think with it. Don’t believe when people say your heart doesn’t have a brain. It does. Acknowledging it does is the first step 

8.) KNOW YOUR WORTH. If you know you don’t deserve to be treated a certain way (and this applies on all relationships, ESPECIALLY FRIENDSHIPS because we tend to overlook this a lot), then LEAVE. There is a limit between having friendly banters and bullying. The moment you feel disrespected, you have every right to voice out your feelings. If they still don’t get it, what’s the point?

9.) BE THERE FOR YOURSELF. For someone like me, this could be pretty tough. I am quite dependent on my closest friends to tell me or assure me that I am doing fine, or the right thing – something that I should be able to know / tell myself. This year was the first time I’ve suffered from consecutive, and intense panic attacks. It was an out-of-body experience but in the worst way. So I did what I could. I let myself cry for nearly half a day : I laid down on the bedroom floor and cried, I had dinner and cried, I played Resident Evil and cried, I tried to go to sleep and cried. There are so many unconventional ways that work. Don’t ever let anyone tell you that because it isn’t “normal” then it isn’t right. A lot of people would try to suppress these feelings by comforting you. But if there’s anything I learned from You’re The Worst Season 2 Episode 12, it’s that you should just … let yourself go.

10.) I AM CLUELESS. This is the plot twist! I don’t know what I want out of my life, really. I’m pretty much trying to pressure myself to figure everything out and it’s kind of driving me nuts. But this is one of the BIGGEST things I’ve come to realise this year. I don’t know shit. And I know it doesn’t come as a surprise to anyone, because I don’t think anyone really ever knows what they want out of their life. It’s scary to know that I don’t aspire to have what most people do (not that it’s a bad thing to want what most people do, and vice versa).

I feel like my entire world is shaken and I don’t know anything. It’s an intense wake up call. And nothing is scarier than acknowledging the fact that … you don’t know what you want to do with … all this. GUYS. This is major.

And it’s also because what I probably want in life, seems impossible to achieve. But oh well. Leave it to life to mess things up and enjoy seeing you confused.

I also wrote myself this e-mail last week, during one of my Anxiety attacks :

Dear Abbie,

At this point in your life I don’t know what you’re trying to do.
I don’t even know how you’re going to get out of it.
How do you move forward? How do you take a step when you don’t even know which direction you *want* to take? How do you deal with knowing that what you want and what you need are two different things?
Do you keep moving, Abbie? Is this what you want? … Do you really *want* to move further?

I don’t know if 2016 holds the answers to my questions. But I’ll do my best to hang on for as long as I can to wait and see.

I would make this number 11 but it isn’t really a big deal – check out what my 9 “Best Instagram” moments are.

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OMG SELFIES. HOW SAD IS THAT. This is a confirmation that I really do need to get myself out there. And, I don’t need an Instagram trend to supposedly tell me that. I owe it to myself. We all do.

Happy New Year, Kids.